Oh How It Feels Good To Feel Accomplished.

School was alright. I had communications class which went pretty well. I think I am skrewed over for my informative speech cause I HAVE NO TOPIC! He even asked me my topic in front of the class and I stared so blank and said, "Uh... idk" for quite some time. I SHOULD DO THIS! Then we reviewed the chapters we read and then our surprising quiz. .____. he gave us a piece of paper and made us fold it into anything then we had to 'sell our product' to him. I WAS SO CLOSE TO GETTING THAT EXTRA CREDIT, but damn that stupid 'cootie catcher' still owned mines. teehee After Niko and I met up and went to the library to do some studying. Jack and Rainier accompanied us which was cool. I felt kinda dorky cause they were talking about Chem and I was just chillin' there reading my books and highlighting things. S'all good I kind of liked it. After was math and we had a midterm. I think I did alright on it. Got home... I was supposed to go jogging, but I think I was surpressed from doing so much all week. Oh well I'll make it up tomorrow by waking up early and jogging around the neighborhood again or going to the gym. I pretty much just went to sleep the whole time and let me tell you it felt great! I think I was able to accomplish a lot this week by doing... "time management" it was kind of weird being done with homework, but its okay. I should also wash my car tomorrow after whatever I do. Hm. I've realized how much I missed my friends. I don't even talk to Ace, Xanthe, Liza, Leah, Missy, Jayson, Brittany, Kevin, and etc. IDK. I just miss them, but they're all so busy with their lives. I do understand how much of a pain college is and how everyone is slowly living their own lives so I shouldn't really complain. I try to think about what I am doing with my life and wondering if I am going on the right path and all, but its all so confusing. (Currently I am talking with school wise) I want to change my major sometimes, but iono what is so suitable. I wish I could double major, but I might kill myself doing that! LOL. Everything else with my life is going well. I am not complaining as much as I used to, but I feel like I'm taking a stroll. I'm in no rush into anything and making sure I am taking my time so I won't make as much mistakes as I normally do. Some of you reading this might think that this is all talk and thinking it ain't true, but I am really being legit. I know I have my bad moments where I do get sad or mad but that is life; we have to feel pain. So please don't think that I am not trying hard enough if I get moody. I'm only human. I just want to live peaceful and have no worries for awhile. I know it sounds really boring, but I do believe I deserve some sort of happiness. I am happy, but I know I can be happier. I'm being patient and waiting for my turn in life. I'll eventually get to my main goal.

I Can Make it On My Own

Song: Cambridge - Kina Grannis

So this morning I was freakishly tired. Sadly, but true. I really knocked out in Gilbert's car... and I really hate leaving his car because it's ALWAYS freezing outside. .____. yuhp. Oh well. English was pretty alright. Lenzy and I kept cracking jokes about us getting into a fight and who can kick whom evers ass.. iono we were being very random. Lesson was funny because our Prof. kept running out of time so she kept lessening our agenda planned for the day and everyone was like "whoo hoo" secretly. After I had Philosophy. Some girls were in the seat I usually sat in that I had to sit in the middle of a row and I felt bad cause I had to walk passed all these people and I kept steping on them D: It really made me feel bad cause I was like oh golly. Our midterm was so hard I am not going to lie. BUT I REALLY TRIED MY BEST. I sat there forever trying to figure the last to standarization problems. I think I did them correctly... or partically? idk. mmm.... then there was... math. it was pretty chill and easy. I was happy that she lessened the homework too because she didn't teach us the section yet AND because we didn't have to do two sections for tomorrow. BUT we have a midterm tomorrow, hopefully I do well. Just gonna review my math notes. I felt bad cause I was supposed to head to the library and study with Rainier and Niko but Gilbert texted me saying he got out way early so I had to postpone it. D: I was excited to see Rainier too! blah. Well on the way and back at home I was texting Monica yuhps. Then I went out for a jog once I got home and I did find today a lovely day to go out. The whole time I was running my chest hurt but I was telling myself "FEEL THE BURN!" hahaha. Oh well it was very relaxing AND I was able to put my new headphones into use! XD So I just finished doing my 2 critique papers for communications class and then I had to read about 60 pages for that class too right after! My eyeballs hurt like no joke. I was doing a bunch of reading and highlighting. Oh well. I was really looking forward to playing volleyball with Monica but we had some... problems I shall say that imposed our day. BLOOP theres always next time. I am bout to head to Church practice soon. SO ta ta!

Happy Birthday Aileen!

Hm... well the only reason I am online is because I brought my macbook to school to accomplish some homework! =] *yay* I wanted to get some stuff done because I have other things to attend to tonight for my sisters birthday dinner thing and I am going to watch Laliques brothers first basketball game at Oswalt! =] Nice. Anywho. In Comm. we just finished watching other peoples speeches and breaking up into groups. I am happy I did the reading cause no one else did in the class! I'm not saying I'm super proud I did it, its just that the quiz was so easy since no one did the reading. Bwahahah. Currently Niko is very focused onto his uhm... Lab? So0o I'm just listening to some music. I'm just waiting till 1140 for my Math class to start then back home to no internet land D:

I'm trying to be less naggy lately, but it is kind of hard since I am cranky a lot more often. Maybe it's lack of sleep or the fact that I've gotten used to sleeping around 1130! It is a big change since I usually sleep at 1 or 2 and wake up at 5 D: blarghs! Oh well I am savoring every moment I can of my life because though it is stressful I feel so light (not weight wise D:) hahaha I can dream but oh well... work hard play hard! hahaha... bloop. Staying positive and keep moving forward. Don't worry about what will happen next just go with the flow and see where life is taking me!

Oh How Beautiful.

Lately things have been looking up as usual and no I am not complaining. Hm... Saturday I know I hung out with Kyle and I did enjoy it a lot. I really missed him. We caught up on some good information and a few gossip and fell back on to the usual things that we do. It was funny how Kyle and I were about to cry watching PS I LOVE YOU. As gay as that sounds. But my internet went down while Kyle was there. So I don't remember much. We did a cover on Droplets though which was pretty cool. We played wii... till forever though. The rollercoaster game was pretty funny because we were messing around with the guy shouting on the ride which was hilarious! I don't really remember much, but it was really fun

Sunday I went to church with David Monica and Jesmond. It was pretty chill and I did like the lesson they were talking about during the mass. Lately I feel like many of the gospel has been relating to my feelings lately but idk I love it. After church we went and visited my Daddy which I do enjoy doing. =] Then we went to Mc Dees and the park. lols... "Can I have a Mocha with stars on it?" It was like a mini picnic kind of thing! Monica and I kept having our little side conversations where we would stare at each other but not really say anything to each other LMAO. I love it. We went to the top part of the park and played on the playground kind of. Jesmond made a lot of penis's though I have to admit. O.o Then David and Jesmond tried.. "sculpting" a penis I believe? IDK but yeah after we went to my house and just pretty much messed around in my room. Technically Jesmond and David "jammed" with the guitar and keyboard. and then we pretty much knocked out kind of. LOLS Monica... tsk tsk. JK! I love you! Bwahahah. No shame. Then after we went and picked up Mervin and ate at Tasty Choice. Yum Chili Cheese Fries. Then after we did what we did before just with Mervin lmao. Or... Jesmond went and played Prince of Persia hahaha O.o Sia... Then... I took Monica to her brothers house I think and then I started to have a head ache. D: But things got better and pretty much it was just Me David Jesmond and Mervin and i don't know how to explain what was happening in the room cause Merv was touching David and Jesmond was playing with Apa then someone kept grabbing my feet IONO its confusing. BUT the day ended well as I dropped everyone home and did a bit of homework =] Lovely Day.

Today I went to school and I keep having dreams of me at school while I am sleeping in the parking lot. O.o hahaha Gilbert keeps making fun of me when I wake up all nervous and shiet! OH well. English was pretty cool.. I did well in my class and my arse was saved with whatever I was doing =] Then off to Philosophy class we were preparing for our Midterm on Wednesday. I hope I do well though. Hmm..... Math was alright I got kind of annoyed with those two girls complaining so much about the work load she gives. Oh well... I did well on my past two quizzes =] Ta Da! Then after I had Teacher Conference which went really well I just have to revise my essay which will be a breeeezzee! Bwhahahaha. Hrmz... I went home and slept for awhile then I picked up Monica from school. We ate and talked a bit at my house. Then TARGET! She kept calling me gay cause I kept saying I LOVE THE WEATHER I LOVE THE RAIN I LOVE IT and so on. hahahaha Oh well I got me some headphones and eyeliner and she got herself mascara (that broke) and eyeliner (that didn't break) hahaha. Yuhp then I took her home. Then I went back home and caught up on some reading and then picked up Rey and David from Jazz practice and took them home. My internet is currently down and I am at Davids house using his brothers laptop while hes doing homework! I feel so happy using internet again because I feel like I can write again! =] YAY! hahahaha. Yuhps. David fed me lots of chicken.. and different kinds of chicken.. there was the bbq sauced one... then the hot sauced one.. then the fried one... :D me likey chicken. bwahahah. Uh... Yeah. I'm probably gonna go home around 10 or something SO iono. EVERYONE ENJOY THEIR DAYS! =] Till next time!


my apologies that this blog has been so long. I just needed to inform you guys and to let some thoughts out of my head! =]


David if you're reading this hello! hahahah

Gimmie Gimmie More.

Song: Damaged - Danity Kane

Well this morning I woke up to Monica texting me and I pretty much texted her for hours since her internet wasn't working. I also took Apa to get her haircut and all at the groomers and picked her up at 1ish. Tee hee I cleaned a bit around my house while texting and waiting for the Sears guy to leave mi casa! =] hahaha yeah... Then once he left I picked up Monica and headed to the mall! I love being a giving person! Bwahaha and I ran into Kyle, Rainier, Brit, Ashley, and Kelly at Forever 21! I pulled Kyle aside to talk to him about some things and so after his practice we're going to hang out for a bit and catch up on some stuff! Kyle wasn't happy with some information, BUT it was kind of funny at the same time! So I bought Monica this vest thingy and a jacket... and I got me a jacket and a tank top thingy? lmao and our outcome was $107 =] Then we went to Victoria's Secret and bought some undies for $27! lmao then we went to sees... and got some chocolate yuhmmzays! hahaha after we went home I believe and Monica and I were talking about some fun stuff! =] MHM! and then we started making a gay ass video which was pretty gay but fun at the same time! =] "GIMMIE GIMMIE MORE!" lmaos! after I had to head to the prayer meeting so we picked up Jeska and headed over there. It was kind of fun because we kept cracking major jokes! I believe our gospel and topic was quite interesting. Lately I feel like most of the topics are relating to the situation I am in. I feel like that guy who is leaving our parish though... =/ such a sad story, but I can totally understand what he is going through. Not the exact pain... but idk.. I just know its there. I tripped over the wire and I kinda 'yelped' and Gerard was all like.. "SHHH" and I turned to him and was like "SAY IT AGAIN" and he did and I pretended to kick his drum set lmao! =] After we kept singing and I was like dancing all over Connie while Monica and Jeska were dancing around each other! Bwahahaha! Strob lights are fun! Then after we headed to my house watching something... then we got food and visited Mervin for a few seconds. I thought he'd be hanging with us but I suppose not? Idk. Then... Hrm... Mervin kinda made me feel upset about something BUT Monica, Jeska, and I made up for it! XD ooooh yeeehh and then as I went home I let Monica drive the car to my house but she was SO TERRIBLE LMAO! She was supposed to make a turn which completely failed so we ended up going around the street a bit! It progressed yes, but Jeska in the back saying, "I DON'T FEEL SAFE!" made it so funny! I won't like Monica did better than what David did before. Lol. Yuhp got back at my place ate and stuff.... and then did more VIDEOS! =] HOPEFULLY I'll be done with it tomorrow cause that stuff was hilarious! I'm just havin trouble lining up the music and stuff. Tomorrow/today iono "saturday" I am going to hang out with Kyle Oyama then head to Jeska's house for a party I think? I hope things turn out great like today! =]

Happy Birthday Mama!

Hm.. So today I woke up for school and I think the way I said happy birthday to my mom was so gay. I turned over on the bed and I pretty much whispered happy birthday... o.O Haha IDK! I kept calling David cause I wasn't quite sure what time he was supposed to wake up, but it's all good... Sorry Dawg. Most of the time in the car I was trying to rehearse my speech for Communications Class with Gilbert, but it was really awkward. Gilbert just kept laughing at how lame I sounded and I was like D: Blah. Oh well I was 4th up because I volunteered which was pretty bomb-deezy. I think the one thing that kind of skrewed me over was that since my topic was pretty much about my dad... I ended up crying in the middle of my speech... which kind of made things kinda awkward. I did love to see how everyone was like surprised at how I reacted. I did well I suppose I stayed within the time limit so I ain't trippin. Hm.. after class.. I hung out with Niko and I pretty much did nothing cause I had no homework to do! =] SOOO I kept bugging him while he was doing his pre-lab thing which btw I felt bad. hahahaha... uhm. Math was pretty chill and easy. Quiz was pretty easy so I left early. mhm. I fell asleep then we went out to Dindin to celebrate with my family. LOL talking to Justin is so funny! =] I love my cousin. Having him TRY to draw the star of david was quite hilarious I have to admit. yuhp. I informed my cousin a lot about somethings, and he was surely surprised more than anything. Most of the time I kept texting Monica, but I felt bad cause she was out hahaha. Blarghs. MKAY tis all =]

Why Hello Hello...

This morning was pretty lame. As I was leaving for school I tripped over my dog on the way out.. then I was going back to get something and tripped again... and this time I broke my nail! =[ I know how my heart aches..! School was alright. English was just a big whatever and I think I'm getting the hang of the whole... Philosophy thing in class. Next... was Math.. just a big bore. Oh well. I waited for a good hour for Gilbert so I was just listening to my ipod! =] (I just realized I left it in my car D:)... But uhm.. Niko ran into me so we just talked for like 15 minutes then we jetted. When I got home I just ate and slept for awhile because I was going out with Monica later. When she called me I picked her up and we headed to Target. It was pretty chill just grabbing things randomly and buying it. Then we chilled at Starbucks for awhile and talked a bit about stuff. Once we got back to my place we just 'did homework'. NOT. Lmao. I tried to do my speech for her but I failed completely at it. Oh well. I think its because it's not the actual thing. After awhile we just started talking about Summer 08 and how bomb it was.... SO much good memories... oh gosh. D: how great things just manage to change so fast. Time leaves such memorable moments, but we get caught up with the bad we forget about the good. *sigh*... After I took her home and then I went to the prayer meeting practice. It was pretty good. I mostly talked to Connie and Gerard. It was pretty cool ;] bwahahha.

wish me luck on my speech.

Change Has Been Made

Song of the Day: That Girl - David Choi

Today was quite interesting. It was inauguration day and pretty much in communications we went over our outlines then watched the whole thing =]. I was watching and it made me want to learn the violin... AND I almost cried. IDK! DON'T ASK! hahahaha... Blahs. After Niko and I hung out during out break and got a lot of homework done. I got most of the math done and I wrote up my whole speech. The one thing I was worried about was working on my essay and trying to contact my teacher! BUT all things did end well =]. Math was pretty chill we just finished up secton 7.4 and she let us out early which was pretty bomb. I felt kinda embarrassed cause I got lost in the parking lot for the first time when Gilbert parked infront of the stairs I completely didn't notice him. Oh well... pondering the parking lot for a good... hmm... 10 minutes isn't so bad.. lmao. I noticed our conversations in the car kinda got boring and dull that we just kinda sit there now. Once I got home I ate a bit then Monica texted me to pick her up so I did. We talked a bit and she got Mc Dee's then I took her home cause she was feeling pretty sick. Once I got home I told myself I'd wake up around 5pm, but I love the snooze button and woke up at 630pm. Bleh. From then on Monica ironically woke up the same time I did so we just chit chatted the same time I was doing my homework. It was interesting typing up my speech and essay at the same time. ESP. while talking to Ivette online I was surprised I got my work done! hahaha I miss Ivette shes so funny! But once I finished up my speech I was more focused on my paper than anything (kinda)... then I fixed most of the problems on my math homework. Though there are some problems I didn't do. Yet again I don't even know if I had Philosophy homework which makes me a douche. That shit is hard I tell you, I try paying attention but his writing is so bad D: Oh well. I've been feeling better about things and I am trying to memorize the song I have to sing on Friday for Prayer Meeting and for tomorrows... uh... rehearsal? hahaha. Damn me. I'm kind of nervous about my speech on Thursday, but I have to work on note cards tomorrow. Blah. I hope Friday turns out well... right monica?! hahahaa oh geez me. but yah. I'm TIRED first time I'm actually sleeping early to be completely honest.

Laying on the green grass...

This morning I went to church with Jesmond as usual, and saw like everyone there. We're about to join another choir too.. hahaha.. Yuhp. After we talked to a few people and then went and visited my Daddy. I do miss my Daddy. Then got "boba" lols technically I had no boba in mines. Yuhp. After I got home I went and hung out with Monica. It was fun we went to Shadow Oak Park... and then just laid on the grass for quite some time. Just chillin' and talking about stuff. Then after party at my aunts which was TOTALLY BORING. Then we got Coldstones... mmm.. ate ice cream at Creekside Park at night... then... chilled. She dyed my hurrr =] Lmao so hilarious I was really nervous since it was her first time! hahahahaha. Then. watched a few of Beauty and the Beast. Yuhp. Not much to say about my day. It was fun and confusing at the same time. Maybe I'll get my mind straightened out eventually.

serendipity

Hm... My days have been interesting and life too. I've been making many changes in my life and trying to be the better person in life. Though I've hit many bumps along the way it's not stopping me from moving forward. I'm tired of holding grudges, yet I am also tired of people taking advantage of me. It's something I have to learn to tell the difference, but it'll never be easy. I've been such a forgiving person lately and though it's healing the cracks in my life, the scars will remain. Not as something to mourn or dwell upon, but as a learning experience. Being positive isn't easy but its a good feeling too at the same time. Creating distractions in my life has been kind of fun knowing that I am doing different things or making alterations with my dull life. Church has been a positive experience too. I've learned a lot about anger and forgiveness, and I feel that I am slowly applying it into my life people don't understand why or how I am becoming the way I am. Though I am getting stressed out more along the lines of school, I keep pushing for the positive feedback. It is an amazing feeling being happy though, I truly mean happy. I feel a lot of weight off my shoulders and I feel so uplifted. I am trying to be organized at the same time but thats almost impossible. I've learned so much in such a short time I finally enjoy it all.

ONE SPECIAL THANKS

MONICA ESPIQUE.
Seriously though thank you so much. I don't understand how you can listen to me complain, nag, cry, resent, bitch, and etc. about so much it's so amazing. I know we don't hang out that much as we did during Summer but we do talk/text a lot about stupid/interesting things, and hang out when it is possible. Like CUE! Such a fun day and winning toad was fun too! =] I am thankful to have you as a really really close friend. Thanks for the support, love, and thoughtfulness you've given me. Why Men Love Bitches is still a pondering thought in my mind whether or not it works. O.o I know I can trust you with my words esp. if I sound so hateful or vice versa. But like I said I got your back no matter what I'll help you out like you've helped me out. I'm sorry if sometimes I am never helpful with your questions or needs but I do try to assist as much as I could. I can't wait to work on your choir final =] Bwahaha who would've thought I'd be singing in those again hahahahahaha. OH mans. But seriously babygirl. This is barely the beginning of everything cause there is so much more ahead of us right now we don't even know it. oh yah. ENJOY!


ps. (you know who you are)
I do miss you, and you've inspired me to search for happines not within people but in myself. For once I can say I'm starting to feel the change within me. I know everything between is nothing guaranteed but I am uplifted to say I am okay with it. I remember what I did say to you in the car, but I'm not sure if I meant it. I know the past will sometimes be painful, but I learned from it and I can move on. I love you with all my heart. I am proud to say I am happy. However you plan on staying in my life... I'm just happy that you're still here for me and remaining in it. Best Friend or Lover... it doesn't matter to me much. You're still receiving true love from me because I don't let good people go. If you see pain within me, please don't worry. It's life. We hurt, we cry, we love, we hate. No matter how deep the cut is... in time we eventually heal.

When the Hurricane is Over, We Can Watch the Sky Clear Together

This morning I woke up at 9:45am cause David called me and I was REALLY tired. BUT I ended up cleaning up the christmas decorations along with Rachel and Den. It was fun cleaning and fast. David came over around 12 and we ate for a bit then chilled. It was kind of difficult because it was awkward at first and we did a lot of talking, venting, and etc. I ended up crying a lot, but we settled a lot of our differences which were okay. I mean, at least I finally know the real reasons and so on. He gave me much more motivation to being better and stronger. Though I finally collapsed with sadness.. I can get up again. After we did all that I kind of fell asleep D: We left at 5 pm and scootered to his house with Apa! Hahaha It twas fun no joke. I felt really free going down hill and feeling the speed. I LOVED IT! Though a lot of our plans got kinda skrewed over its all good. When I got there we watched Resident Evil Degeneration. It was pretty good but I can't wait to watch someone play Resident Evil 5 =] hahahah throughout the movie David and I kept saying FOUR! *inside joke with Jesmond & David* After we chilled talked more and slept. It was a good day I can say. I just know I will need time to get over whats been holding us back. Its time to learn and time to move on. =] Thank You David for helping me understand the concept on what is going on and so on and and so forth =] I feel well motivated.

BTW Jesmond IS HILARIOUS

xxshycexpinayxx (11:31:17 PM): a better person
mondsster (11:31:44 PM): step one.
mondsster (11:31:45 PM): # Smile at them. Learn how to have a real smile, and care about people. Learn how to feel compassion when regarding someone.
xxshycexpinayxx (11:32:00 PM): hahahahaha
mondsster (11:32:24 PM): you >:-\ look at me :-*
mondsster (11:32:37 PM): you become >:-)
xxshycexpinayxx (11:32:46 PM): hahahahahahahaa
mondsster (11:33:01 PM): step two
mondsster (11:33:02 PM): Tell them a funny joke. Inside jokes work really well, especially if it is something only between the two of you. Learn how to make them laugh.
mondsster (11:33:08 PM): REMIS!
mondsster (11:33:23 PM): do you want onions? NO I WANT PENIS
xxshycexpinayxx (11:33:46 PM): hahahaha NEXT
mondsster (11:35:42 PM): step 3
mondsster (11:35:43 PM): remis
mondsster (11:35:44 PM): oops
mondsster (11:35:45 PM): lol
mondsster (11:35:48 PM): Find something funny online that you know they'll like and send it to them in an email.
mondsster (11:36:06 PM): check your email sir
xxshycexpinayxx (11:36:20 PM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
mondsster (11:36:50 PM): step four
mondsster (11:36:51 PM): Compliment them sincerely. Tell them something you love about them.
mondsster (11:37:32 PM): i love how we can talk about poop for 10 minutes
xxshycexpinayxx (11:38:46 PM): LMAO
mondsster (11:39:39 PM): step five
mondsster (11:39:39 PM): Invite them to do something fun with you. Go bowling, swimming, or something else fun and active.
mondsster (11:40:12 PM): hey, uh i was wondering :-*, if uhm you wanted to go bowling or swimming you know?
mondsster (11:40:13 PM): lol
xxshycexpinayxx (11:40:21 PM): hahahahahaha

Might Be Helpful For Everyone To Know

Life is too short. Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh when you can, Apologize when you should, &let go of what you can't change.Love deeply and forgive quickly. Take chances, give everything, &have no regrets. Life is too short to be unhappy. You have to take the good with the bad. Smile when you're sad, Love what you got, &always remember what you had, Always forgive but never forget. Learn from your mistakes,but never regret.People change, and things go wrong. But always remember, LIFE GOES ON.

Thanks Tanisha I Miss You

Forgive and Forget..

Hmm... Yesterday I didn't feel like I could do much because of how I felt so numb. I ended up cleaning my room like majorly.... and Monica was amazed by how much I did. I tend to match my room to how I feel... For once I felt really empty... so I removed a lot of stuff in my room. I couldn't even do homework cause I felt all sick and stuff. But anywho. I went to the prayer meeting. I kinda was dreading the thought about it because I felt that it was going to be like... last time, but it was different. I had fun cause Monica and Jessica were there. They were making me laugh a lot. But once it came to talk about the gospel and stuff... that guy really got me to listen. It was really funny how he was explain it with his drawings and stuff and then examples and stuff. It was awesome. I found it interesting how what he was talking about was relating to everything I was feeling... anger and forgivness and shiet. iono man iono. but I felt like for once... I knew for sure my prayer was heard. I mean I'm not super religious but it made me feel closer. =] After Connie and I talked for awhile with Monica and Jessica which was fun. Then we watched the band and danced randomly. BUUUUTTT yeah. Aj was really nice for what he had to offer to me. It was sweet. I didn't want to take his offer because I couldn't but he kept insisting. But whatever happens I'll see what I do with those 4. hahaha But yeah I think it'll be cool to have starbucks =]... man o man... iono... I'm tired.. exhausted and I need to get my homework done... D:

Looking Into Your Eyes...

My first intentions was to write about my day... or yesterday... but I guess I got so caught up on the hype of how everything was just falling apart in front of my eyes. I don't really know how to feel anymore, but all I know is to move on. I suppose. Being forced to do something you don't want to do is kinda hard for me to do, but I'm just the person that is willing to make a sacrifice. I'm so distraught, confused, and infuriated now. Who am I to complain about this situation? I find it so retarded how I am able to help others but myself. Such a useless feeling from time to time. I try to be stronger than I really am and when I do that... all I get is over-whelmed. All I can do now is settle for "second best". No one is even in that spot, but I suppose that's how I am looking at it right now. Arghs. It was the first time I didn't say sorry or cry... I don't know if that is a good thing.

I miss my Dad. I want to talk to him. I feel so lonely that I keep having to learn to let go. I'm starting to think I don't want to get too close to anyone because in the end everyone just leaves me. I hate feeling alone or being alone... but when it comes down to it... that's just what it is.

Thank you Monica for sticking with me the whole way through this stupid situation. I am blessed and you know that. I still feel bad for being a bushwhacker to you hahahaha. *sigh* we shall shop for panties soon.

Jesmond I know you don't enjoy knowing how sad I am and that you know I'm trying not to. But =[... damn it.

Hm.... I can't help but continuously listen to Katy Perry's - Thinking of You.
song makes me sad. kinda true i suppose a bit..

The only thing I am looking forward to is dancing on Tuesday but I know how horrible I will be dancing D: I haven't danced in along time, but I guess its okay to try again.

I know this is such a scattered blog for once, but the last thing I can say about everything is...

it's all just a test... everyone is just testing me now.
... I'm not a lab rat...

Rest Assure It'll Be Another Day

I've decided that I wanted to take my blogging else where. As much as I love my Xanga, it's the new year and a new start. I had that account since middle school, but I feel its time to move on and try something else. Just as an intro I suppose I'll just say a bit bout myself to whomever may be reading this little thing.

My name is Valerie C. de los Santos and I was born on Valentine's Day. I am currently a college student at CSULA and an alumni from Oswalt Elem., Rincon Inter., & Nogales High School. I can say those were some memorable times in my life and I am glad that I was able to experience it. Though everyday I tend to think to myself wondering what is there to do with myself or what will happen next. I tend to be a lay back person that leaves a load of emotions stuck onto herself. I still dread the fact that my dad had passed away August 25 '08. I miss him dearly, but everything he wanted me to be I'm doing my best to achieve. I have a couple of best/close friends: Xanthe, Liza, David, Kyle, Fawzi, Jesmond, Lalique, and Monica. They've been there for me through my toughest times and I always want to do the same for them. It'd be terrible if I wasn't there for them. I do love them and I thank God for how he has blessed me with wonderful people. Currently I am in a church choir at St. Lorenzo with Jesmond and Lalique, but mostly with Jesmond hehe. I find it fun there counting that it's practically the only place I am singing at now. I miss dancing, but I know I'll find a way to get back onto it. Theres specifically a guy in my life that I tend to hold on a little more tighter than anyone else. His name is David Haig. Though its cliche for people to hold on to those they love for a long time even after they break up, I find ours to be different. I know the chances of us being together again may be improbable, at least we're trying to fix what was broken. I never looked at David only as a boyfriend, but also a best friend too. He was there for me the whole time my Dad was diagnoised with cancer to his death. He held my hand at his funeral and he knows the secrets I can't bare to keep to myself, but away from others. I do miss him a lot and I miss what we had, but I know I can't always look back and torture myself on the what if's. I know that if God wanted us to be together we'd find a way back to each other. I am not exploiting the fact that I'm "unhappy", because I am happy. It's okay to miss someone, and I know that he'll still be here for me. Though whatever happens, happens. I try to stay positive about everything thats been so negative in my life, but like I told Jesmond, "Just want it all to be new again."