I Messed Up.

Yesterday everything just kept falling apart. I needed to go somewhere with David, but if you understand Murphy's Law then you know what I mean. Everything was just going terrible and all off plan that I just wanted to cry. By the time I actually got to where I needed to be it was closed. I just felt like crap knowing it's importance to my situation, but whatever I suppose. The rest of my afternoon just prolonged with the same emotion. Justin came over and I talked to him for awhile because I just had too many problems all at once to deal with. As time neared I picked up people to go to Sia's house and all that. The rain was terrible, but I got through it. I hated the fact that there was some silent tension that was always bothering me that whole time. I don't like the fact where people would just do something, then something else. Keeping everything all secretive and shit. Well fuck it at least I knew where everything else was heading. I won't lie. I enjoyed seeing all my friends I haven't seen in forever and I was better off not drinking, but I took some (with my own rule of why I did it). I guess as I was trying to rekindle my relationship with my friends and updating them, I completely got bit in the ass big time. It was really hard for me to control my emotions. I should've listened to Jesmond, but there was an importance that I needed to follow. I did wait it out, but I guess switching shouldn't of had occured. I was fine and well focused, just lost. Till then. I couldn't really say anything cause of my major shock I had. I wanted to cry so badly and I didn't even realize how badly I was holding Mervin's arm and David's shoulder. I can't completely get mad at anyone because some of it was my fault. It was my mistake and I have to learn from it. I try hard to be a good host, a good friend, and a good person in general but I did mess up... and I am sorry. It was all so terrible. I can honestly say that I am too ashamed to even have them see me again and for now I feel like I want to keep my distance. Maybe if I become invisible for awhile can help me fix myself up. Though I know my birthday is coming up, everything now is just whatever. I will figure this all out and get my thoughts completely focused.